we were sitting at billy & linda barnette's house -143 greenway court. only now it was linda barnette's. billy passed away 5 years ago tonight. jan and will haas were there with us. and i think jerry and bethanie defatta. it's all a blur.
billy found out he had cancer a little over a month after tommy and i started dating. he fought this disease harder than anybody i've ever seen.
partly because the barnette's are so dang stubborn. and yes, this shows in my child at times.
but mostly because he had suffered with rheumatoid arthritis for so long that his pain tolerance was surreal. you could call him after a morning of chemo and ask how he was doing and he'd tell you he was fine.
what a lie.
but he didn't want us to worry.
we were there. tommy, me, and linda. in the room when he took his last breath. this is so hard to type and all of a sudden it's like i am there again - and, great, now i'm all teared up again, too. my grandfather had just died a month before and i was with him, too, and recognized the "death rattle". if you have ever heard it, you know what i mean. i told tommy and linda that he was about to go. they didn't want it to be the end. i didn't either. but all 3 of us wanted him out of pain and we had been praying for God to have mercy - and the only mercy was death.
the death wasn't as hard to me as my husband's reaction.
tommy wanted to say one more thing to his dad - just ONE MORE THING. i can hear him saying now, "Dad!!! Dad look at me!"
but it was over. billy had let go of our hands and was at the feet of Jesus. it was such a bittersweet time.
i miss him.
i want my baby to know him
i want her to know what a giving, loving man he was.
i want her to be able to "ride horsey" on his knee like tommy's cousin's child did.
i want him to go with her to Ole Miss football games so that she can see who instilled that love in her daddy.
i want him to take her on dates to see how a man should treat a lady.
i want him to be there at Christmas to see her little face light up.
i want him to see her grow up into a beautiful young lady.
but God had other plans.
so now she will know him. her pap-paw. through the stories we tell her and the pictures we show. he deserves that. and if he were here, she'd be more rotten than she already is.
billy, we love you so much and miss you more and more every day. thank you for everything.
9 comments:
Sweet words, Suzanne!
I remember as well...lifle doesn't always make sense, but God is in all of it. And He has already used so much of it for good...
I love you and Tommy and Mary Peyton!
Oh, man, Suz. I've lost 3 grandparents and was there with each of them as they stepped into the presence of Jesus. Yes. Seriously bittersweet. Your words brought back so many emotions.
Aren't you glad you got to know him? That you had taken your place in their family before he left? I'm sure all 3 of you have fabulous stories to tell Mary Peyton about her precious grandfather!!
oh suzanne, you made me cry now!! so sweet!
I totally get what you mean about all the things Billy is missing in Mary Peyton's life. I think the same thing about my mom all the time.
What a beautiful post! You have tears rolling down my face. I lost my Dad to cancer when I was only nine months old...my Dad never even saw my first birthday. Hold on tight to those memories...I have none to tell Mallory. Just an empty void that I want filled more and more each day.
Our Dads DO see our children and I know they are sooo proud looking down.
This made me cry as well because I thought of my grandmother.
I can only tell Laura Grace and Layton about her and I just realized that I rarely mention her. It is still too painful...but at the same time they should get to hear about her.
He sounds like a wonderful man.
Suz-
this was so touching! I got ALL choked up because when my stepdad (of 20 years) passed away I was there, too. It was so hard. It almost would have been easier not to have beeb there so that wouldn't be the last memory I made with him, ya know? Also, kevin and i had been trying to get pregnant for a while before he died -- unsuccessfully. what i didnt know is that I was pregnant when he passed. i wonder if he found out when he got to heaven?
xoxo-
demetria
Ok, you can't do this to a pregnant woman!! What a beautiful story, Thank you for sharing.
Erin
Wow...it has been five years? It doesn't seem that long ago. What a special man Uncle Billy was!
The 18th will be 2 year since my dad died. I think that may be the last time I saw you. MP was wearing a blue smocked dress at the funeral home. Why do I remember that?
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